Bumfuzzled Jane

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4 Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day Without Trying

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Published on February 14, 2013, by

Today is Valentine’s day and my Facebook feed is already flooded with three types of people. Those who are actually celebrating and make this day all about sex, love and Barry Manilow. The second are those who are “so single I could take a shot!” These people will hit the Valentine’s day happy hour specials and bitch about relationships or celebrate their singledom. Then probably hook up with a ho later this evening. The last are the worst. The mother-fucking haters. “Ugh, Valentine’s day is just a Hallmark holiday….I love my girlfriend all the time, not just today.”

haters

The latter are the ones that irk me the most. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t celebrate with rose petals and baby bunnies either but is it too difficult for you to just play along and buy her some God damn chocolate?!

Celebrating today won’t make your relationship any less strong and it won’t show the world you’re a sap who wasted money on an overpriced Hallmark card. It might be an extra date night or a bill at a restaurant but most times that get’s you some booty for the night.

Valentine’s day isn’t terrible but the people who make it that way, are. These are the same Grinch’s that get pissed Christmas cheer begins in November and holiday music makes them queasy.

Stop making the holidays such a terrible time of year and just breathe. Making them a more horrid day or stressful time than they already are only makes you look like a dick and doesn’t make you any happier.
If you’re not a romantic person there are a bazillion things you can do followed by “well, because it’s Valentine’s day,” that will get you out of the dog house until Easter.


4 Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day Without Trying

1. Make something - seriously, make anything. The thought of someone cutting a heart out of a paper towel and writing “I love you like a paper towel when something spills,” will be retardly hilarious and thoughtful.

2. Make their day easier – this can literally be anything. is he/she running late to work? make their breakfast, pick out their clothes, make the bed. would it kill you to be a decent human being and help them out?!

3. Acknowledge the day – those people who think ignoring Valentine’s day no matter how many times you and your sig. other vowed now to celebrate, are IDIOTS! Ask her in person, email her, text her, communicate with her in some way asking these 5 words “will you be my Valentine?” I promise, she will rub your pee pee later.

4. Give the gift of love – can’t afford shit or don’t want to? stop him/her at some point in their day in the middle of their sentence and just hug the shit out of them. to seal the deal, give them a sexy little kiss. people are too afraid to be affectionate when sometimes that’s all we really need.

That’s my rant for today. The reason this holiday was invented is because people spend 90% of their time being cynical bastards that complain about all the “terrible” things in their life. If anything, take the day to just be a bit less of a grump and a little more of an optimist.

 

Guest Post: Ditch the Gym, Get Ripped

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Published on February 12, 2013, by
By Duncan Faber
I wasted 41 years trying to get in shape.  And I wasted it by going to the gym.
a before-after-2
My gym was state of the art.  You wouldn’t believe the assortment of extremely expensive, high-tech machines they had there.   This was the kind of equipment that the average person could never afford, so it had to be good, right?  It was shiny and new, and to be honest, it looked like fun!   Some you had to climb into, others you had to get on top of, and others you had to slide under.  Cool!
The first few times I used these contraptions, I really loved them.  I mean, I sat down… I read the instructions, I adjusted the chair height, then the arm distance, then I read the instructions again…  I mean, I was able to waste a lot of time getting these machines set up just right.  Perfect for a guy wanted to go to the gym, but didn’t really want to work out.
And once I was locked into these beasts, it was great place to people watch.  In between sets, I wasted all sorts of time staring at people.  And not just the beautiful people.  I wasted a lot of time staring at the ugly ones too.
Sometimes before getting comfortable, I’d grab a towel and wipe off the sweat and cooties that the previous patron left for me.  But sometimes, I just sat right in their grossness.  It’s the gym.  It’s okay to spread filth and contagion, right?
Of course, sitting at one of these colossal machines made perfect sense to me.  I mean, we spend all day sitting at our computers, then the rest of the day sitting in our cars… why not sit in a machine at the gym?  (Did you just hear a record scratch?  Yeah, me too!)
The problem was, even though I was using these awesome machines for so many years, I didn’t look any better than I did when I first enrolled!  And judging by the other people who used them, they weren’t getting in shape either.   In fact, the people who had really great bodies went nowhere near these things.
When I first joined my gym, I received a tour from the sales woman sitting at the front desk.  She had a killer body.  (Come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing her using any of this equipment either.)  During the tour, she gave me a speech about how each of these machines mimicked a different body movement.  There was one that simulated moving weights above your head.  Another simulated pushing weight away from your body.  There was a treadmill that simulated running, a stairmaster that simulated climbing stairs, there was a machine that simulated doing chin-ups, and another that simulated doing crunches.  There was a lot of simulation going on, but not a lot of the real stuff!  That right there should set off alarms.  The benefits of each machine, she stated, were that they targeted specific muscles.  This would ensure good form as well as prevent injury.  But isn’t that completely counter-intuitive?
Your abs consist of 4 major muscle groups:  the rectus abdominus, the external obliques, the internal obliques, and the transverse abdominus.  The ab crunching machine targets the rectus abdominus, while giving the other groups the day off!  Why should they get the day off?!?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to engage as many muscles as possible?  Why not just lay on the floor and instead of simulating crunches, actually do them!  The problem is, a gym that puts an empty mat in front window isn’t going to attract any customers!  Toys!  Everyone wants to ride the fun toys!
And the same holds true for the other expensive machines.  Instead of climbing into a military press machine that takes the pressure of your core, why not grab a few dumbbells and engage your core?!  Okay, but at least the machines make sure your form is good, right?  Bull!  How is making some muscles strong but keeping other muscles weak good for you?  If you’re worried about form, ask for help and take it slow.  Seriously, how long does it take you to learn good form?!
My point is, technology is not required to get you in shape.  A hundred years ago, there were no gyms.  You got in shape by working in a factory, or laboring on a farm.  The motions that people used to pick up a bale of hay and set it on cart…?  Today, we call them “squats.”  And those motions that you do on the treadmill?  Back in the old days, people called it “running.”
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Last year, I ditched my gym membership and went old school.  I bought one of those home exercise DVDs that they sell on infomercials.  It seemed a little expensive at first, but when I broke it down, it cost less than two months membership at my local gym.  And the gym wasn’t actually getting me fit!  The high-tech machines are long gone, and in their place are push-ups, chin-ups, and simple movements using only my body weight.  In one year, I’ve dropped 21 pounds and now have a six pack.  A 42 year old man with a six pack!  And how did I do it?  By not going to the gym!
To learn more about how Duncan Faber reclaimed his youth, visit:  www.GreatHomeFitness.com
 

Should you Gym with a Clique?

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Published on February 5, 2013, by

I would say about 95% of the time, I work out completely alone. No friends, no family, and sometimes no music thanks to my week-late replacement batter from Amazon.
My gym schedule is made purely from the information I research online and decide that is what I need to be doing. Sometimes I see changes, other times I don’t. Every now and then I roll with a posse to the gym but mostly, it’s just me.box

I prefer it this way. I’m not a loner by any means but I am perfectly comfortable doing things by myself. The gym and shopping are actually the two activities I prefer to fly solo.
But am I as productive as I would be going with a friend or multiple friends?

Probably not but sort of.

Why Rolling with a Clique is Better

  • you are either the best in shape or the worst –  going with someone else either makes you feel even better about your physical condition or shows you what you might not otherwise have known. going with someone who is your superior, may motivate you to get to work.
  • you share info -  maybe she knows a move that you never even thought to do. maybe you show her how to tighten her ass. either way, both of you will give each other what you were missing in venturing alone.
  • you have confidence – no one acts the same alone as they do in a group. you’re comfortable and more outgoing which could be an asset in a gym setting. it may give you the support you need to try new moves or classes since you know you won’t be alone.

girls working out

  • you get appreciated but unexpected compliments – good friends compliment each other. the only compliment you get when you’re alone is from the creeptastic weirdo listening to Cat Stevens near the free weights. taking a friend will increase the odds of her telling you what an awesome stomach you have not t0 mention, you can give her a little boost too.
  • you become accountable – if you back out now, you’re letting your friend down. it gives you the extra motivation you need to get moving that you may have talked yourself out of in a solo venture.

Why Being the Lone Ranger is Better

  • you don’t waste time – let’s be real. you will spend the time you need to at the gym if you go alone. you will spend an extra 30 -45 minutes at said gym going with someone else. for girls, it’s an opportunity to catch up, gossip and hang out. all of which cannot be done in an hour’s time.
  • you get distracted – forgot the number of reps you were on? so did she and now you’re suddenly done. being alone allows you to focus on you and get in your zone.
  • you share the workout – when you hit the gym with someone else, there tends to be a lot of idle time watching her do lunges. unless you can get your butt moving at the same time, you’ll lead yourself to numero uno: wasting time.
  • you hold back – if you’re in better shape than your partner you may hold back on getting the workout that you need and do a little less. that won’t kill you but doing it too often will make you less likely to go with them in the future and less likely to make progress.
  • you hurt yourself – let’s turn the tables and say you’re the one in less shape than she. if you pretend you can do what you know you can’t just to keep up with six-pack Sally,  you may actually hurt yourself.

    stairs

Weighing the options, it’s all a matter of preference. I don’t think one overrules the other because I think you need to learn how to do both to get the most out of working out. Both offer something the other doesn’t and incorporating them into your gym schedule may be the boost you need.

If however; you’ve gotten more cardio in during a shopping trip then it may be time to ditch the bitch.

 

Sick > Gym

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Published on February 3, 2013, by

I think I have spent more time worrying if I am getting sick than actually being sick.

sick

I absolutely was not playing sick but I never actually got sick. I started feeling “weird” on Thursday and it didn’t go away come Friday at which point I thought I was definitely going down. All day I went in and out of feeling sniffley and sneezy then felt fine a few hours later. I usually eat just as much when I’m sick as I do when I’m well so that’s never any indication. However; I wasn’t feeling hungry on Friday which was a bit concerning and somewhat new to me.

I stayed at work all day because I needed a distraction. When I’m coming down with something I usually succumb to it and let it take over my body and my brain. Being that next week is an off week from school and the weekend is a girls beach trip, I don’t really have time to get sick. I started downing Emergen-Cs like they were spiked with tequila and hoped for the best. I stayed positive and when people asked me how I was doing I replied the same way all day “meh, but we’ll see!”

When I got home from work I relaxed, still made dinner and tried to carry out my wifely duties as usual. Because Husband-face was confident I would be germ-ridden by Saturday morning, he started offering to do EVERYTHING. He offered to change the sheets, he got our Saturday lunch, he let me choose the Saturday afternoon movie. Even though I wasn’t that sick and actually started feeling much better by late afternoon, I kind of let it happen.
My thing is if I handle 90% of the household duties 90% of the time, then I deserve to take advantage of him offering to change that.

As much as I didn’t want to skip the gym I did on Friday and Saturday because I still wasn’t sure what the fuck I had going on. Once I knew I was perfectly fine and had beat the shit out of those Mucinex-looking germoids, I was ready to get back on the proverbial saddle.

mucinexIt’s Sunday and I feel like a million bucks! I’ll be at the gym today, finishing homework to start a week without any and celebrating the Superbowl at my parent’s house. I’m cheering for the Ravens because my sister goes to school with Ray Lewis’s son. Go RAVENS!

 

Call me Jane Balboa

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Published on January 30, 2013, by

Weeks ago, my sister asked me to join her for some school assignment where we had to go take a kickboxing class at a local gym. I know, what school does she go to and what’s her major? The gym the class was held at what ended up being the same gym I took last Saturday’s TRX class at and more recently, took a Monday night cardio boxing class.

I’ve always known that my sweet demeanor must surely be a front for some underlying anger that I seldom let out. Over the years I’ve seen glimpses of this beast when I get really upset and throw something like a child. When I really discovered the demon is when I took a few cardio kickboxing classes at a different, martial arts gym. There was something about beating the shit out of a bag, my partner’s gloves and my body that felt oddly therapeutic.

bag

The cardio boxing class I took on Monday was no different and if anything, made my addiction to beating the shit out of something strengthen. I’ve never boxed or taken any true classes on form or self-defense, but I find myself naturally falling into decent form. The class was an hour broken up in to 15 minutes of warm up, 30 minutes of bag work and 15 minute cool down aka core destruction. It doesn’t sound bad when you think in those terms but slamming your fists into a bag for 30 minutes is 1.) exhausting, 2.) so empowering you can’t help but hit harder next time, 3.) making it perpetually more exhausting.

The best part about the entire class was that it’s taught by the number 1 ranked “cruiserweight” boxer in the world. Is he retired, you ask? Um no, he just had a fight as recent as September. His name is Francisco Palacios and he’s hails from the island of Puerto Rico. He’s 6’2″ with a massive heart and one of the nicest people I’ve seen work at a gym. Did I mention that he’s fought 23 fights and won 21 of those. Out of those 21 fights, 13 of them were by knockout. Oh, and he has his own Wikipedia page. Needless to say, we have a mothereffing champ teaching an army of college kids how to fight. Is this illegal?

francisco

The combination of a badass instructor that could take anyone at anytime, coaching us how to box against massive bags in a gym with an actual ring in it and Mr. Ali staring at you from posters galore, it’s hard not to get in the fighting zone. I got a little lost in the punches and left with bruised knuckles from my lack of hand-wrapping under my gloves. Who knew 3 inches of padding wouldn’t be enough?

The workout ended up being one of the best I’ve ever had and left me feeling so good, I considered coming to their 6 a.m. class. Considered. Now I get why Rhianna went back to Chris Breezy.
As I’ve previously written about, I get distracted from a workout very easily. It’s not that I’m bored but eventually I find something better that comes along and love more. I have 27 days left of unlimited classes and by the end I will evaluate how I feel. If I still love it with every masochistic bone in my body, good-bye Planet Fitness, hello boxing world.

 

 

TRX Annihlated Me

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Published on January 27, 2013, by

I found out today why Navy Seals are badass motherfuckers. I took a TRX class yesterday morning and aside from reaffirming my inability to sprout arm muscles, I was sweating beyond the point of socially acceptable.

trx ecard

Sister face and I bought online coupons for 30 days, unlimited classes at a local, legit boxing gym. There’s a boxing ring, punching bags and Ali posters everywhere. Being in the building makes me want to run down the street in a gray sweat suit with my hands in the air. But this is Florida and it’s too hot for that shit.

Before I took the class I didn’t know much about TRX except that it had something to do with rope-ish type bands that make you hate life. Forty-five minutes later my arms were shaking and I was dangling by my ankles.
The ropes themselves don’t do anything, duh, but it’s what they allow you to do that make them one of the best workouts I’ve ever had. By tilting and twisting in different variations suggested by the instructor, the ropes allow you to use your body weight to get a workout that’s tailored to your ability.
Reading more about TRX, I discovered it has been used to train Navy Seals and athletes. Their site further explains how the body is all connected and even something as simple as picking a pen off the floor can’t be done with just your hand. Deep, way deep. TRX is designed to engage multiple if not every muscle during the routines.

Because you’re exerting so much energy to levitate while you do a plank and a leg lift, sweat is literally pouring from your body. I used to be the girl that would lightly sweat and now I’m the girl who needs to bring a change of clothes. The second my body thinks I’m might workout, it starts sweating. My body if very Pavlovian which is a nightmare when I’m going up the stairs to bed.

Feel_Badass

Thankfully, I’m married and don’t require male attention at the gym. The sweat tends to scare them away which works out to my advantage. Overall, TRX is a superb workout that will be repeated next Saturday.

 

Progress Pics

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Published on January 21, 2013, by

At the end of the day, we are affirmation-seeking peeps who just want to be cuddled and told how wonderful we are. With the technological advancements in social media, we are now able to gain this need from our friends, family and complete stalker creeps adoring strangers.
When Facebook first started, posting pictures of you and your friends taking shots was completely acceptable. Over time, however; we started posting pictures of ourselves “taking solo shots in the hizzy before the biffles gets here #whitegirldrank.”

selfie

These selfies now include super ripped pictures of the insanely active individuals of the world.

“I can count my abs on two hands now! #selfie #nofilter #rippedsonofabitch”

“Hittin’ the gym for the 2nd time today. Dedication = smokin’ bod #selfie #nofilter #protein”

While I love salivating over a good progress picture for inordinate amounts of time, is it considered “faux pas” to showcase yourself to the world? If the ones who had a 4-pack last week and a 6-pack today can do it, can’t the rest of us post a cellulite/no cellulite pic from time to time?

The answer is YES! But under these conditions…

1. You may post a progress photo if their is visible progress. This would exclude pictures of your new lulu lemons, new shoes, pouty face with a new headband or anything else that has zero to do with your actual body.

2. You may post unrelated pictures occasionally. I get it. You dropped $80 on some new gear and want to show it off. That’s perfectly fine but please don’t exploit your name brand ways. It makes the rest of us feel like shit and only talk shit that you don’t actually work out because you’re busy taking photos. You get some freebies but use them sparingly.

3. You may post a before and after photo is your before is you looking terrible and your after is you in gym clothes. We don’t need to see you looking 5lbs heavier on the left and out at “duh club” looking trim but drunk, on the right. The point is to show your dedication to your body, not to the nightlife.

progress

4. You may post a progress photo if you’re doing something a-typical. Proud that you can sit in the Crow position for 7 minutes and enjoy a tea? Snap a photo and Instagram that shit! Even if your body hasn’t changed on the outside, yet, show us what you’ve conditioned yourself to do 20 manly push-ups! I currently “like” I See Fit People on Facebook and one of the 3 people who run that page does 50+ burpees all the time and every time I see the update, I’m filled with rage motivated to hit the gym.

 The whole point of posting progress pictures is that you feel so confident in yourself you don’t care who sees it and of course await the compliments you believe you deserve. As with anything though, keep it in moderation or there will absolutely be an “I Hate Fit People” page started in your honor.

 

 

Ass-ymmetrical

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Published on January 13, 2013, by

I’m back in grad school which means fewer blog posts. I sincerely apologize but I’m pretty confident that due to my moment of idiocracy in signing up for a class located at the campus 3 hours from here, I won’t be as busy as I had planned.

The gym is officially 100% part of my life again and has been since my breakdown mid-October. I still have days where I feel like skipping a cardio session to cuddle on the couch and be a complete waste of humanity but they are much fewer than before. Getting into a new schedule has actually been fun. I know that sounds entirely insane but I always enjoy getting back into a new routine after some time off because I have a significant amount of determination to hit the weights harder or eat a little cleaner.
A part of me thinks my meltdown was necessary because I have never felt better than I do in this moment. My diet is as clean as I could and would like it to be while still indulging from time to time, my gym time is maximized and never wasted and the work is paying off. I actually called my mom this evening to ask her if we can have asparagus for my birthday dinner tomorrow because I am craving it. Craving asparagus?! I have seriously had an awakening.

asparagus-urine-ladies-discuss1

But….this blog post wouldn’t be complete or me without a big but(t). What the hell is up with the asymmetry of my body?! I once heard that beauty can be defined by the amount of symmetry in a person’s face. Considering I get a lazy eye when I booze and the rest of me doesn’t match it’s opposing limb, I’m hoping husband-face finds abstract beautiful.

My left leg has always looked better than the right. It’s more toned, it’s losing fat faster than the other and has the shape of an ideal leg. The right leg is stumpier but doesn’t measure any bigger than the left. It has a few more dimples and resembles more of a linkin’ log. The strangest thing about this particular asymmetry is my right leg is actually stronger than the left. What I can lift with my right leg is more of a struggle for the left; so much so I consider changing the weight for the poor feeb.
Recently I started noticing this asymmetry throughout my entire body. My right arm is slightly more toned than the left which makes zero sense for a left-hander such as myself. My left eye’s lashes are much more cooperative and longer than those on my right but my right has the better brow. My left boob is less small than the right and I saw that instead of “bigger” because they are continually shrinking. My left ass cheek is shedding fat much quicker than the right but my right side is better for photos.

Passing others on the street I don’t recall observing the same disparities I find in myself. Then again, we are our own worst critics right? If the worst thing I have to complain about hours before turning 25 are mis-matched limbs as they transform into better versions of themselves, than I feel pretty damn lucky. I hope that by this time next year, my complaint will be that I am perfectly symmetrical and cookies have no adverse affects on me anymore.

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Win Some, Lose Boobs

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Published on January 8, 2013, by

Before bed last night I was brushing my teeth and couldn’t help but notice I had reverted to 14 again. I turned to the side with my brush still vibrating and noticed the little bumps where my boobs used to be. I even lifted up my shirt thinking “surely I’m not that flat.” I felt better when I went Girls Gone Wild on myself but was still slightly ashamed.

I started thinking about my old body in comparison to my “new” body. In high school I had big boobs by the time I was in 8th grade. I had a C cup for as long as I can remember and they only got bigger if I got bigger. Eventually I was hovering between a full C to small D.  I dug this gem up as proof that I am not lying.

boobs

Mind you my cheeks and other such body parts were also a little more full but at least I had my womanly parts. Now that I eat an extremely healthy diet and exercise regularly, those womanly parts have started to fade into memory. I still have a large rump that is increasingly more round and firm but alas, the bosoms that once graced my chest and filled out dresses are no longer.

The more I thought about this the more I started wondering; what would I sacrifice for the “perfect” body? What is the perfect body?

For me the ideal body would consist of a 36-37 inch hip with a nice round booty. Much like Ms. Latona’s:

latona

My arms would be toned without looking too veiny or masculine but without being flexed you could tell I hit the gym. My legs would have ZERO cellulite and always be tan and my abs would have the outline of a 4-pack. Finally, my boobs would be a perky 34C that were never affected by any weight goals.

Unfortunately, that ain’t happening and I can’t afford implants. Not to mention, I have only ever heard horror stories from anyone I’ve known with them.
Because perfect bodies can’t be ordered online, there must be some sacrifices you make to obtain as close to perfect as you like. With the more toned my abs get will I care less about the absences of breasticles? If my could fill out blue pants like Amanda Latona’s, would I not mind so much that I had only a 2-pack set of abs?

I tried convincing myself this was the case because I the loss of my chest mass I have also lost significant fat on my legs. If anyone knows me, they know my legs have and probably always will be my #1 problem area.  To see results in an area I have struggled with my whole life was extremely gratifying and kind of negated my boob-encholy. I mean they make push up bras and padded swimsuits now of which I own both.

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The struggle I had in coping with my changing body was remember a time when I had them. They were a focal point, they were nice and they got compliments all on their own. I was never offended and I actually liked the attention they brought. Not in whorey way…well kind of. :)

Now that my best friends have long since abandoned me, I’m grieving their loss and it sucks. I’m trying to convince myself that my new friend, Assandra, will take their place. She’s a great gal and brings all the boys to the yard but instead of the front yard where I can see them, they’re hanging out back. I’ve also gained another great friend, Abby. She’s super awesome and makes my stomach look great in my push-up swim suit.

I suppose everyone goes through some type of metamorphosis where they sacrifice something from their past, chubster life in pursuit of their skinnier one.
P.S. can we please discuss I spent an entire blog complaining about getting in shape and skinnier? This is probably where I need to admit that I’m still a full B and sometimes a small C if the padding is sufficient enough.

 

 

Faux Carbs

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Published on January 4, 2013, by

Once more, Friday has arrived! Is it just me or has there been a Friday within 24 hours of this entire holiday season? I’ll be happy to get back on track with a set schedule well into May.

Getting back into a normal regimen, I have also been trying to get back into a normal diet and exercise. I don’t have any new year’s resolutions to loose 10 pounds but I am working very hard to stay disciplined. If I loose 5 pounds, gain some muscle or ditch some fat along the way, PERFECT. I’m just trying to be as healthy and happy with myself as I possibly can.

Husband-face is also attempting to take a crack at this but with a distinct goal of loosing 10 lbs. He’s been known to get manorexic this time of year or as he claims, me underfeeding him.

manorexic
I’m pretty old-fashioned when it comes to my marriage and my house. I cook, I clean, I bake and he plays video games. Maybe we’re more like the modern old-fashioned. However, I can’t always serve both us the same meals for the sole fact that we weigh about 30lbs different from each other. If I’m eating egg whites and peppers for dinner, Husband -face would not only think it were April 1st but he would probably get one of those malnourished belly bloats and literally die. Because he needs more substance and I don’t want to sacrifice my goals, I’ve gotten creative in the kitchen.

The easiest thing to substitute is simple carbs (e.g. bread, white pasta, tortillas, etc.). Not all simple carbs are made horribly but most are. There are some great alternatives to the sugar noodles which are usually made with whole wheat flour or even veggies. But I’m trying to ditch these unnecessary carbs as my last meal of the day and prefer to stick to fresh vegetables. Here are just a few recipes that I eat on a fairly regular basis and have even converted H-face into liking!

Turkey Burger W/ Lettuce – we used to eat turkey burgers every week but I got sick of wasting carbs on a bun and I’m not one of those people who can eat my burger w/o a bun and a fork instead. I saw this done in a magazine once and tried it out. Instead of a bun, wrap your burger in an iceberg lettuce leaf. The lettuce makes for a fresh and crisp alternative to something that can be upwards of 100 extra empty calories. If anything you’re killing two birds with one stone since most people put lettuce on their burgers. Even better is that this type of lettuce is usually available at BBQs. You can wrap up your burger and be a trendsetter rather than eating your burger with a utensil.Lettuce-Wrap-Burger

 

Tacos in Lettuce Cups – Husband-face actually requests this one! It’s the same concept as the turkey burger only Mexican. That was not a racial slur, I promise. You can use iceberg or romaine lettuce but the iceberg lettuce tends to hold a lot better. Add in your meat, veggies and condiments of choice, hold like a taco, and give ‘er hell! It’s fresh, it has the crunch of a hard taco and folds like a soft shell. Overall, it’s a pretty easy way to trick your brain into thinking it’s a tortilla.

beeftaco_cup

Spaghetti Squash or Broccoli & Meatballs – I jumped on the spaghetti squash bandwagon and wasn’t that big of a fan. I don’t think I cooked mine long enough because what came out weren’t strings but mush. I basically made squashed potatoes and meatballs. Before I give that another try my favorite alternative which I stole from Sister-face is oven-roasted broccoli as pasta. I’m not sure what it is about the oven-roasted flavor mixed with tomato sauce and some turkey meatballs but all the flavors work perfectly. It’s as if broccoli is actually what’s supposed to be in this dish and pasta was a ploy by the government to distract us from using precious broccoli. I’m still working on that theory but in the meantime I’m chowing down on this shiz.

meatballs_with_broccoli

It’s easy to eat the same thing as the other person or people you’re serving but it doesn’t have to be that way. Not only are these alternatives easy to incorporate into a dinner, they are in my opinion, better! They make the recipe a interesting enough that others may try them and enjoy them all the same. They may also think you’re completely un-American for wrapping your burger in a leaf of foliage but fuck ‘em. It’s your ass, not theirs.

HAPPY FRIDAY!