The only reason I am thrilled the Patriots won the Superbowl is because that means football is over. I could have been equally as elated had the Seahawks won, it just needed to end. In the off chance you were boycotting it, here are the Superbowl XLIX highlights:
- The game was close the entire time. There was some badass play the Seahawks had with a mystical catch but they blew it in the final millisecond and lost.
- Julian Edelman is now on my radar. He plays for the Patriots and has the tightest end I’ve ever seen. Possibly celebrating with his penis, he ended up having some sex this week. We all know this because the girl he diddled, Snapchatted it.
- Katy Perry had a an underwhelming performance with dancing sharks and terrible costumes.
- Missy Elliott came out too but no one knew who she was.
- The best commercial had a screaming lamb in it.
- Bill Belichick had the same facial expression after the win as I assume he has after a bout of diarrhea.
- A massive street fight broke out against teams and it was the most awesome thing ever.
If that doesn’t satisfy your football needs, you need to get a better sports news source.
Winter is Coming
It’s February and it’s that awkward time of year where the weather is bitchy and football is over. What the hell do we do with our Sunday nights now?! Oh that’s right…Game of Thrones is returning.
The trailer was released last week and Khaleesi is going to wreck some shit. If you don’t watch the show, give it a try. I will warn you that it takes at least 5 episodes to know what’s going on and even like it. Once you’re hooked, it’s like crack with naked people and dragons.
Sexy Hot People
Speaking of naked people, some college student from Oregon State University tried to make a porn in her school library. Call me crazy but had that been me, I would have downloaded an app that crops out all the boring shit like her looking over her should 800 times to make sure the coast was clear. The most exciting thing about the video is the fact that she’s eating Bubble Tape gum. Was anyone else wondering where she got that and how you could get some?
My personal preference is men, not women, so I was beyond tickled to
re-watch watch the Magic Mike XXL trailer. It’s a wonder to me how Channing Tatum and his wife don’t have more kids.
A few days ago I had the choice to watch a cute kitty video or a heart-felt human story. Talking myself off of the YouTube black hole ledge, I opted for the latter.
In doing so I watched a story of a Detroit man whose car broke down but he continues to make it to work. Everyday, he walks 21 miles to and from work.
I started feeling like shit about myself right about here. Mainly because I would have quit my job already.
Sometimes he gets a ride but for the most part he leaves at 8am to make it to work, on time, by 10a. I live 10 minutes from my job and have a fully functioning car with plenty of gas. I always arrive 5 minutes late. I am a terrible human being.
If Detroit James doesn’t bring a glistening tear to your eye, maybe dad of the century will. Apparently, some single dad didn’t know how to style his little daughter’s hair so….he took a cosmetology class to learn. Now she has the best fucking hair in all the land!
I am not a Florida native (thank “god”) but I do live here and we have some of the weirdest news. Namely, yet another person has come out and openly admitted to having a sexual relationship, with a dolphin, for 9 months.
Of course, that man is from Florida.
My sexist response to these stories is usually “ugh, only a guy would do that,” but a few months ago a woman came forward to admit the same.
Let’s just say it was the 60s and free love knew no boundaries.
Around the Globe
ISIS better stop fucking around or KA of J will demolish them. If you’re not familiar with the just made up nickname, King Abdullah II of Jordan is leading airstrikes against ISIS. Like, he’s literally in full combat mode ready to cut a bitch. If Obama geared up with an AK-47 to talk about his insurance policy, he might have been better received.
Also obliterating things is another Asian airline. Too soon? In all seriousness, some people got hurt and others died in a horribly frightening plane crash in Taiwan. Call me crazy but all Asian airlines need to pool some funds together and get a baller PR rep.
Also, in case you missed it, my week consisted of Guest Blogging for Sass & Balderdash. She’s super fucking awesome and she let me take over her blog for a day.