I’m pretty excited when the news is so eventful because it makes my desire to write skyrocket. I still wait until Friday morning, 5 minutes before I have to leave to write about it because procrastination is a deadly disease.
While I can’t always cover every thing that happened within the week, and don’t care to, I will cover my favorite things.
Penis Ponchos are probably the coolest things I’ve ever seen. Exploiting men with cute little ponchos perfectly designed to accentuate their dicks. How did it take so long to think this up? The ponchos weren’t my problem so much as the “men” wearing them were. We spend all this energy talking about women’s beauty standards but how long has the fashion industry been making men look like horror movie lady boy men? Disturbing. Had we thrown some of these on the Magic Mike cast the internet definitely would have broken.
The exact opposite of the aforementioned model creature is Chris Pratt. Rumor has it he’ll be starring as Indiana Jones and I think I peed a little. Out of excitement, not the same pee reaction as I had toward penis poncho-caust. He is the perfect combination of hot as hell, adorable and funny. If that doesn’t sound like Indiana Jones to you, I don’t know what does.
Bruce Jenner is changing his last name to Kardashian. Oh wait, I meant to say Bruce Jenner is becoming a woman. I don’t want to make fun of that community if that really is what his “journey” is but what the fuck. Bruce Jenner the American Olympian is finding out at 65 that he needs to invert his penis?
This year marks 70 years since the liberation of the concentration camp Auschwitz. I sincerely apologize for the substantial weight you feel in your chest right now. I should have made a much more comfortable segue. I’m half German and it’s a pretty big part of our history (obviously), one that a lot of people don’t realize is very sensitive for them. When I was in high school in Germany, we took a class trip to Poland and this was one of the places we visited. Think of every emotion that can describe nauseatingly fucked up and that’s a fraction of how it felt to be there. Needless to say, remembering is probably the least we can do for them.
Now that I have wrecked your morning, just remember that it’s F-R-I-D-A-Y.
Snowmaggedon 2015 shut down schools and businesses for most of the Northeast. Turns out, it was just a little rain.
I’m till having mixed feelings about the non-rumored remake of Ghostbusters. Turns out females are basically kicking everyone’s ass including ghosts, now. Comedy queens Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon will be rebooting the classic and I feel weird. Basically the dream team has assembled to make a movie but I’m a little sad it’s to remake Ghostbusters. What about the Wizard of Oz? They can get Jane Lynch to be the Wicked Witch, Andy Serkis can be Toto and the Good Witch can be Stanley Tucci, duh. Call me crazy but I’d say we have a blockbuster.