It is absolutely off limits for a grocery store employee, to comment on my purchases. Every time it’s the same fuck asking me “is it Taco Tuesday at your house?!” while ringing up my salsa and tortillas.
Completely annoyed and unable to handle my shit, I’ll say something like “Wow, nothing gets passed you. Is your IQ really high or something?” before realizing he’s “special” and just learned what a taco was.
While he might be off the hook, socially aware employees aren’t allowed the same courtesy. Mostly because I hate stranger small talk. It embarrasses me into a hot sweat that prevents my synapses from firing at their normal rate. Instead of whipping out some quick-witted comment, I either develop a studder or sound equally as special as taco boy.
In a recent shopping trip to Publix, I was completely mortified by an overly friendly cashier. In case you’re not familiar with Publix’s business model, they make all employees suffocate you with kindness and help. Rumor has it there is some type of 5 rule where they have to hug you within 5 seconds of seeing you or something like that. Basically, they are my nightmare.
Because I’m married to a man boy very particular about his ass wipes, I buy Pampers baby wipes. He has a clean ass, I use them for a quick whore bath and we live happily ever after. Apparently, cashiers assume grown adults don’t use these and certainly not the name brands.
Cashier: *rings up Pampers baby wipes* Oh, you have a little one at home?
Me: Huh? *spots the baby wipes* Um…no.
Cashier: Oh, ha ha, I thought, um never mind.
Bagger: Dude, if you don’t use baby wipes you’re missing out.
Me: YEAH, THEY’RE GREAT FOR THE CAR!
The morale of the story for employees is to shut up. Please just leave me alone as I buy my lube and cucumbers and I won’t ask you why you still work at Publix. For me, I’ve learned that there are items more embarrassing to buy than tampons and a gallon of ice cream.