Hi It’s My Birthday, I Hope You’re Annoyed!

Why is working on your birthday acceptable? How has this not been made a national floating holiday you can choose to take?
This was the first birthday I had worked in years and despite having my lunch paid for and some killer balloons, I was at fucking work!

I turned 27 today and it was every bit as eventful I could have imagined 27 would be. Today’s events included:

  1. Waking up at 4:27a.m. to the sound of a retching cat- oddly enough I was born at 4:30a.m.
  2. Hovering in a meditative yoga-state until 6
  3. Rolling out of bed to find a cascade of feline vomit descending from my bed
  4. Stopping to buy birthday cupcakes and finding out my debit card was declined
  5. Calling the cashier ridiculous
  6. Finding out it was legitimately declined
  7. Working
  8. Someone at work asking if today was my actual birthday…
  9. Taye Diggs started following me on Twitter. I’m still confident this is a cruel scam.
  10. Calling Brighthouse (internet service provider) to harass them for my $50 credit that was not awarded as promised
  11. Arriving home to shotty internet signal…GIVE ME MY INTERNETS!
  12. My mom gave me a package of zucchinis (told you she was a pervert)

My family (husband face included) made for an awesome evening by suffocating me with tacos, wine and gifts. I also discovered what Heads Up was and need to find a job that pays me to charade all day. I suppose that would be considered a mime but I can’t feel confident going from financial analyst to mime.

Tomorrow is the 15th an no longer my birthday which is just terrible. I’m expected for forget I was ever born until this time next year and work like I care. My actual birthday fiesta is on Saturday so I still feel like I can milk this birthday card until then but everyone else seems to be annoyed by that. It’s cool, I’ll remember that when your birthday falls on the weekend. When you come back to work and come at me like “oh hey, I had a pretty cool weekend doing birthday stuff,” I’ll come right back with “oh cool mine is in 3 months so let’s talk about that next.”

Birthday Lesson: Getting older is amazing because with age comes wisdom and generally better quality of life. It’s a time to laugh about the dumbfuck you used to be while spilling your $12 martini because you can’t hold your liquor anymore. It’s the fact that after college your birthday is a day that annoys the fuck out of everyone else. They feel obligated to wish you well and pretend to be interested in what you’ll be doing to celebrate. It’s also shit because you’re expected to carry on with business as usual as if the day you emerged from your mother’s birth canal (or Alien-ed out of her stomach) wasn’t a fucking miracle. Or the fact that you managed to survive another year on the planet without contracting Ebola or the flu is worth at least a god damn pat on the back.

I say, take off your birthday every single year. Use it as a day to party with all of your friends or family and just celebrate the fact that you’re not dead. Eat a lot, drink too much and don’t miss every opportunity proclaim loudly and obnoxiously, it’s ya motha-fuckin’ birthday.


8 thoughts on “Hi It’s My Birthday, I Hope You’re Annoyed!”

  1. That’s why we have birth week in our house. You get to celebrate your birthday for a whole week. You get to be a brat,not clean,demand icecream when the only place open is 15 miles away, eat so much of everything, drink excessively and essentially do whatever the fuck you want. One whole week of your wants because you were fucking born and that’s cool as shit!

  2. Birthday *months* are a thing for a reason. Sometimes mine lasts 2 or 3. AND YOU WILL ALL CELEBRATE AS IF IT’S THE FIRST TIME. Ahem.

  3. Thank the lord you only have one of these days a year! That is my take on it and it will be yours soon enough. Love yah

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