My Mom the Gutterbrain: Chapter 1

For most of you, my mom is a complete stranger. For those of you lucky enough to know her, you know she has a sharp wit, she’s honest like any true German, she laughs at all my jokes, and she’s a raging pervert.

Upon further research I found that pervert actually means “person who lacks morals” but that is not what I mean. What I actually mean is that her mind is always in the gutter. Like all the time. To avoid people thinking my mom is a “neighborhood creep” pervert or that she has no morals, I’m relabeling her simply as a gutter brain.

I already warned my mom about becoming a regular part of my blog. She didn’t express any disagreement and quite enjoyed the fact that it would be recurring.  She also didn’t seem to opposed to the subject matter because, you see, she’s well aware of her perversion.

When I was a kid, I didn’t realize my mom had a gutter brain. I just thought everyone else’s parents didn’t love each other because they didn’t grope each other in public. My mom remarried when I was 8 to my now step father that I love and adore. But keeping my mom’s gutter brain game strong has been him. If there were ever two pervs more compatible for each other, it’s them.

Being that this will be recurring the posts will seldom be at length. Instead, I intend to show you:

  1. Where I get my gutter brain from
  2. Why I couldn’t pass up on writing about it

To kick off this post, let’s start with the most recent event which was Christmas charades. This isn’t a tradition in our family but we were all figuring out what to do now that we were filled to the brim with wine and food. Naturally, I found my place center stage of the living room and began acting out Christmas inspired topics. Here are the things I acted out, and here are the actual things my mom guessed. Spoiler alert, she was wrong on all of them.

  • Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – doggy-style!
  • Snowman – Christmas nuts!
  • Santa Claus – cunt!

It’s possible to blame her behavior on the wine but she had only 2 glasses.

For years I never thought twice about incorporating her into my blog assuming this was normal behavior. Once I started mentioning comments she’s made to friends or seeing what their moms were like, I knew I’d struck gold.


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