Politely Asking for Gifts

Is there really a good way to tell people to buy you things? My birthday is 10 days away and I found myself making a list despite being nearer to 30 than not. There is little I really want but are certainly things I could use. Hell, if people are going to buy me things anyway then I want it to be shit I want. Then again, isn’t it kind of rude to be demanding items from people assuming they even want to buy you a gift? At what age is it kind of a dick move to email blast friends and family a “Things This Bitch Wants You To Buy Her” list?


The same conundrum could apply to Christmas or Valentine’s day or any other day you’ve deemed worthy of gift getting. We can all blame Hallmark for this.

Surely we’ve all done it:

Hey! Next time you need to get me a gift just know I want a new Michael Kors clutch.”

As kids, we’re trained to believe that if you want a fat, white-haired man to break into your house visit your house with gifts, you need to make a clear list of everything you want. Put down every fucking Bratz doll, Easy Bake Oven, offensive video game and every thing else you don’t have. That way the people behind the Kris Kringle scam know what the fuck to get you so you don’t cry while they record you opening your presents.

Despite the cruel realities of being told Mr. Kringle and Barney aren’t real, your parents insist to “make a fucking list, please.” They have no clue the scary things you’re into when you close your door and kind of use this to confirm you’re not going to go mental on your fellow students as well as actually celebrate your birthday. It also helps divorced parents fight over who gives better presents which you’ll later resent them for at therapy.

So you see, the struggle is so fucking real. I’ve been making lists of shit I want when the inevitable gift-giving commences. This bullshit of “oh, I don’t know what I want” or “you don’t have to get me anything” needs to end. We all know you want something and we all know that you know people will get it for you. Nothing is more annoying than when I have no clue what to get someone or have no clue where to start in my idea generation.

This is why I have to question, is it really that big of a deal if I make a list? Realistically I’m making my gift givers’ lives easier and taking away the torture of guessing. I also remove the “I hate it face” from ever happening when I open the Crocs you got me. Please, never buy these for anyone. Even if they want them just skip those on the list.

I suppose it’s slightly rude to assume you’re getting anything but that’s not my intention while crafting it. It’s more or less a way for me to politely say, “if you get me something, choose only from this list. You may also be inspired by this list but follow it closely. If this stresses you out, please just feed me.”

So what’s your take on the birthday gimme list? Do you make them? Do you hate them? Help me understand how to do this before I get any closer to 30.

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