For some reason, 2014 was the year of butts. Seemingly out of nowhere, everyone was either growing a butt, twerking a butt or making it do things. We could all say thank you to Jlo for putting them on the map but they didn’t quite catch on until the Iggy Azeleas, Nicki Minajs and Kardashians came to the party.
Women of all shapes and sizes miraculously now all of giant asses. All over Instagram you’ll see accounts solely dedicated to the female caboose. Squats and lunges are now something women are doing daily. Claims like “Eat your vitamins and do your squats ladies! You don’t want to look like Miley Cyrus,” haunt us all because flat asses are so 90s.
As Sarah Big Butt, I have mixed emotions about this fad. On one cheek, I’m grateful that it’s more acceptable to have an ass bigger than your boobs. It’s now completely normal to be a size tiny everywhere else and size “fucking huge” in your ass. On the contrary, I’m a little annoyed because I’ve always had one. Obviously, being female means I think everyone is copying me which is beyond annoying.
My big butt started as me just being chubby. I wasn’t ever fat per se except for that year in high school I discovered weed and therefore also discovered munchies. Otherwise I’ve always been “womanly” shaped even as a 7th grader. Over time, I lost weight in various areas but my ass has always been massive. Even at my wedding I was 127 pounds with a 39-inch hip/ass measurement. Just so you’re aware, Kim Kardashian’s hip/ass measurement is 40.
Despite the burden it proved to be in years past, lately it’s been kind of awesome. It’s like having a really expensive accessory that no one can afford. The ones that can kind of afford it buy the Michelle Kors version so it’s not exactly the same but the effort is there.
So what’s it like to have one? Being that I know you’re dying to know and life cannot simply continue without knowing, I shall share the 10 Struggles of Having a Big Butt:
1. Getting ready for the day means deciding which pair of pants to put on first. Do you want to spend 10 minutes jumping jack-ing into a pair of skinny jeans or more easily slide into a pair of yoga pants at the risk of being molested?
2. Everyone wants to touch it. EVERYONE. Family, friends, strangers. The worst is that no one wants to touch it like you’d touch a pregnant belly. They want to spank the shit out of it or grab it under the cheek to see how bouncy it is. They literally want to molest your big butt, with their hands.
Everyone stares at it all the time, always.
3. The people who don’t touch it [for fear of being arrested] can’t stop staring at it. Walking past a dude means immediately looking at your reflection to find him having turned around to either look at it or pick up his fallen jaw. Women are less obvious and tend to stare at it from the profile. They tend to look more judgmental than “horned up” Joe Blow, but stare no less.
4. Someone will comment on it every day. That can vary from “Daaaaaaa-yum!” to “How many squats do you do?” to “I think you’re part African-American,” to [working at a restaurant] “Sarah, you make me very happy we have to wear black pants.” These are actual comments made to me and my big butt.
5. Going shopping is a mind fuck. A new outfit means finding a small-medium top that is readily available within the store at any time. An acceptable pair of pants or jeans can take multiple shopping trips to find. The ones that fit are usually much larger than what your relative top size is and can leave you bawling in the back-corner of Macy’s.
6. When you do find a good pair, your big booty looks AMAZING. It doesn’t just fit into the jeans it owns those fucking jeans. Insert #3 and #4 here because if you think your ass looks amazing chances are someone else is going to try and dry hump it.
7. Gaining weight makes it bigger, always. That’s the first place pizza goes and the last place it comes off. It’s a reservoir for fat that a small village could feast on, if needed.
“Shake dat ass! No…please stop talking.”
8. Everyone expects you to know how to “shake it.” Like why would you have an ass if you don’t know how to move it on the dance floor? When you claim you really don’t know how to move it, they insist you try as they watch. It gets awkward, pretty fast.
9. When you do dance, you’re automatically a sexy dancer because of the way it’s moving behind you. What was supposed to be the Cupid Shuffle turned into erotica.
10. Going to the gym might cause some casualties. The enhancement a pair of workout/yoga pants gives your ass stops every dude in their tracks even if mid set. Normal exercises of running or squats will make you look like a slut and stretching is basically forbidden.
I can’t exactly say the struggle is real because I love my booty. No matter what I’ve done, it won’t leave me alone so I’ve come to terms with it. She’s my ride or die and despite each day bringing various types of attention, she makes a pair of Levi’s look so damn sweet.