My Manicurist [Verbally] Attacked Me

There’s nothing like a perfect stranger directly insulting you. I’m running through life experiences in my head that might compare but I come up with nothing. Despite nothing else comparable, it’s the unmistakable feeling most of us are familiar with: when someone who means nothing to you and knows nothing about you decides something about you is so offensive they have to voice it. Aside from being completely blind sided, you struggle to define the emotion rumbling in your gut. Am I going to start puking or is that my fist swinging?

The reason I make mention of this horrid feeling is because I obviously have a story about this. While I could probably think of a bazillion other times human beings have offended me (directly I mean, not by their face or personality), I can’t shake the most recent incident.

I wouldn’t say I have a manicurist that knows my life story but I do have a regular Vietnamese lady I visit and she paints my nails. Most of the reason she doesn’t know my life story is because having a conversation is absolute torture. How many times can you tell someone you don’t understand them before they’re allowed to clip your cuticle off? It also doesn’t help that she has braces.

She has the most adorable salon and what I have managed to comprehend is that she moved here to pursue the American dream. Despite my respect for her work ethic, she happens to do the best work for the cheapest price.

A few weeks ago I visited her after a 4-month hiatus. She remembered me which was flattering but she also starred at me like she didn’t. Thinking nothing of it I sat down for my manicure.

Lady: I don’t see you in awhile. You look diff’wret. 

Me: I’m not wearing make-up today, maybe that’s it?

Lady: You gain weight?

Me: Sorry?

Lady: You gain weight?

Me: Um…I don’t think so.

I know I’ve said being honest is the best way to be but I rescind that statement.

Who the fuck does that? I gain and lose 5 pounds everyday! I’m a fucking girl and can toss back cookie dough like someone is paying me for it. I can also knock back a few fat burners and exercise into a blackout. I don’t know, I probably have in the past 4 months I haven’t seen you. Have you learned how to enunciate around that dental work in the past 4 months?  I’ll probably lose 5 pounds by tomorrow with the amount of barfing I’ll be inducing when I leave here.

We later discovered it was actually the length and color of my hair that had changed. Clearly a fat ass and shiny hair are easily interchangeable. I’m also glad I didn’t shove my newly manicured finger down my throat.

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