Football Nonsense

I accidentally referred to this past weekend’s football playoff games as the Superbowl. I sincerely hope that illustrates my knowledge or care for the sport.

But are we serious about this “ball” issue?

In case you’ve been living in Alabama for the past few days and didn’t hear, the NFL found that all Patriot game balls the team used to obliterate play the Indianapolis Colts this weekend, were underflated.

Just so you know, my spell check doesn’t even understand what underflated means. Well all know the rule: If it’s not spell check approved it’s not real.

Despite my complete lack of knowledge about football, I do know pussification when I see it. Hmm….that’s weird. Spell check had no problem with that one.
Are we so fucking bitter and bratty we can’t take a loss when it’s handed to us on a big ‘ol, New England platter? Don’t get me wrong. I kind of get where this is coming from. For most of the U.S., football is religion. Basically the two denominations that encompass the States are Jesus Lovers and Football. When those two mix you get Texas.

I even understand the gravity of this game and what it means to make it to the Superbowl. Massive men stuffed into tight spandex with raging hormones lose their fucking shit over that opportunity. It would be like someone telling me, if you spend fall and winter writing your little heart out and at the end you might get a book deal. The Colts finding out the Patriot balls were under-inflated would be like me finding out the other finalist was a friend of the publisher that also happened to have a blog. The best blog. The best for the last 10 years.

But if I wrote one blog post and said rival pumped out 25 of them, I’d understand. They put the work in no matter their writing background or credibility. Isn’t it fair to say the Patriots did the same?

4 Reasons It’s Doesn’t Fucking Matter

1. the score: 45-7?! You’re telling me the Patriots demolished the Colts by 38 points because their balls had less air?

2. the team: If the Tennessee Titans pulled that shit, okay, we can have a conversation where I don’t want to rage punch you. But you’re going to question why the Patriots pulled a win?

3. the game: What is the one season I am more relieved to end than holiday season? FOOTBALL SEASON. Seriously, I hate the movie Frozen but even I have to say:


4. the next season: I may not know much about football but I know enough to understand it’s not like soccer in that you have another chance! It will literally be a new opportunity for you in less time than it will be my next birthday. Think about those poor soccer players and the devastation they experience realizing the World Cup is 4 years away. Selfish Americans.

I really can’t help believe that this is a masculinity sensitivity issue. Yet again, men are arguing about the size of their balls. Big, small, made of pigskin or not, it always comes down to balls.

Because it’s Hump Day and I didn’t have to kill myself at the gym, I made you a little video to sum up my feelings on it.

Is football a carb?

A post shared by Sarah Bolandi (@saribolo) on

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