I fucking love wrestling. There is absolutely no other way to express that other than aggressively yet simply doing so. I could get into the long-winded story of how that came to be but I’d prefer not to lose readers. It’s also very difficult to write about something that A.) not everyone likes or knows much about and B.) a lot of people think is stupid. But there are very measurable and easily explainable reasons to why I like it so much.
All the credit in the world is given to Husband Face for my adoration of wrestling. He’s been a lifelong fan and probably the most knowledgeable one I know.
Being that I loathe football and unless it’s Crash Bandicoot, I suck at video games so wrestling was literally our only shot at having anything in common. Possibly a slight exaggeration there.
He took me under his proverbial wrestling wing and taught me everything I know. He shoved documentaries, lingo, pod casts, and actual wrestling moves so far down my throat, I was shitting spandex.
Becoming so enthralled with the sport and it being such a significant part of our lives, people started finding out. Or, I’d say something that alluded to the fact that I loved it. It may also have been the clothesline I attempted to give my colleague but that’s neither here nor there.
So today I’ve decided to explain, thoroughly, why I love it so god damn much.
But before I get into reasons why I love it, let me clear up a few things I know dem haters are thinking.
- I am aware it’s not real. We will come back to this in reasons why I like wrestling but to shut you down right here, I know that.
- I am aware the best years of wrestling have happened already.
- I agree with you that it’s gimmicky.
- I miss Vince McMahon getting screen time too.
Now that those are out of the way, we can get into the fun stuff. Or, as my Colombian co-worker likes to say “the meat and butter” of the article.
Reasons Wrestling Is Just As Entertaining As Any Other Sport
- The story line: Just like many other things, wrestling has a script they follow. Exactly like your cherished reality shows, just like your soap operas or how about…ANYTHING ON T.V.! You can’t take wrestling for anything other than what it is. It’s a scripted television show with characters and predetermined events. You have to take it for exactly that and if you follow it like you do all the other shitty shows on TV, surprise! You’ll understand who everyone is.
- The drama: So we’ve established the shit is fake. But sometimes it’s not. In my years of wrestling saturated weekends, I’ve come to find out that not everything is written. You can only control steroid-laden meat heads for so long before something goes awry. Moves done incorrectly have broken the necks of Stone Cold Steve Austin, Edge, Lita and and countless more bones for endless other wrestlers. In one instance Mick Foley aka Cactus Jack aka Dude Love aka Mankind lost his ear. LOST HIS FUCKING EAR.
Luckily, he had it reattached but it’s about the size of a peanut now.
Injuries aside, you can’t always control what someone might say or do or what’s really going on when the cameras aren’t rolling. Drug abuse, cheating, family drama, arguments with Vince on their contracts, and the list continues. I’m telling you, there is some D-I-R-T and it’s insanely addicting. If you’re still not convinced I have two words for you (no, not “Suck It”) Montreal Screwjob.
- The moves: Back to the “it’s not real statement.” Sure, fake punches or kicks might happen but you can’t host a 3-hour show with millions of viewers and it all be fake. That’s why injuries happen. Of course the moves aren’t as death-defying as they were in the 90s but taking an “F5″ aka a body slam-drop from a 6’3” dude pushing 300 lb is likely uncomfortable.
These men and women literally train like any other athlete to make it into the WWE. They learn how to safely and convincingly take and give these moves. The reason they train for that is so they don’t look like idiots and so they stay safe.
- The family affair: There are so many generations of wrestlers in the industry it’s disgusting. By disgusting, I mean fascinatingly awesome. To list them would take forever and would bore you incessantly. Just know nearly every wrestler you see either has an uncle, a dad, a sibling or a cousin that was employed by WWE at some point in time.
- The documentaries: WWE stepped up it’s production game some time ago and makes the BEST documentaries. I’m pretty sure Vince is an oracle because he’s been interviewing superstars since he took over the business. The hours of footage, behind the scenes drama, interviews from now deceased wrestlers and lesser known stories is shockingly large.
It’s so massive they ended up creating and releasing the WWE Network. It’s basically like Netflix but for wrestling only. I can’t even…
- The music: There is an entire documentary dedicated to the man who makes all the music for the wrestlers. To catch you up, when a wrestler comes out at any event they have a song that plays. They are almost always the most cheesy and ass-kicking songs you’ve ever heard. They hype the shit out of the crowd and gives everyone about 4 seconds to prepare for the awesomeness about to appear. For example, can anyone tell me what it means to hear glass shattering? If you say an intruder that is correct…Stone Cold Steven Austin intruding right into the ring.
- The Road to Wrestlemania: Quite possibly the most wonderful time of the year. Wrestling never ends, like never. They work almost every day of the year and have pay-per-views once a month. Out of those events, there are two that stand above the rest: the Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania.
The Royal Rumble is possibly the most entertaining and exhilarating event I can think of. There are 30 wrestlers/superstars (pre-determined) to come out to the Ring every few minutes. There are rules and technicalities but the point is for all of them to get the others over the top rope and out of the ring. The last man standing wins the Rumble and gets a guaranteed match at Wrestlemania. But wait…there’s more. The event goes from entertaining to
when surprise guests come out. They can be anyone from a wrestler we haven’t seen in awhile due to an injury to a legend coming out. While not all of them are a secret, the “oh my fucking god” ones are. With social media fucking everyone’s worlds up, they keep it a secret from most of the staff so the shock is impacting everywhere.
Wrestlemania is essentially the Super Bowl of wrestling. The matches are usually insanely amazing and sadly mean retirement for some of the older guys.
The Road to Wrestlemania starts tonight after the Royal Rumble. I’m only slightly pissed that my job doesn’t have “Day after Rumble” listed in their paid holidays but I’ll deal.
I hope this helps to illustrate my devotion toward the sporting event that is wrestling. If you’ve lost respect for me, that’s okay because I’ll put you in a Tombstone Piledriver and you’ll know true pain… My apologies, sometimes I periodically lose consciousness when I hear the word wrestling.